Me vs Control

I’m scared. The state of the world right now is frightening. And I can’t control anything, so I turn to the One who can and beg Him to make the world as I like.

They say the path to happiness is letting go of what you can’t control and focusing on what you can. For a long time, I thought I was doing that. But now I realise I never really stopped trying to control the things beyond me. I just tried to control them through prayers and duʿā’.

I guess I forgot that true tawakkul is trusting that no matter what happens, Allah is in control.

There’s actually no guarantee that I’ll be fine in the end. And that is a very scary thing to realise.

I think, secretly, we all carry the belief that if we do everything right, we’ll be fine. If we follow the script society has written for us, surely we’ll be rewarded with the perfect life. I know I believed that.

We see tragedies every day and sympathise with the people they happen to. But deep down, we often think it could never be us. Surely we’re smarter than that.

But my dear, why not you?

That question is terrifying. Because it forces you to confront the reality that there’s nothing truly shielding you from life happening to you.

I’m a very pessimistic person, which surprises people because I’m also the most sunshine, happy-go-lucky person they know. But I am a pessimist. My mind instinctively runs through worst-case scenarios. It rehearses everything that could go wrong before it happens, in an attempt to protect me from disappointment.

For a long time, I thought that was tawakkul. I thought it was me preparing myself to accept things when the will of Allah didn’t align with mine.

But is it?

Because if I’ve already convinced myself things won’t go my way—even after praying for them—doesn’t that mean I don’t really believe?

I don’t know the purpose of this piece. It’s mostly me ranting because I’m scared. But if there’s one thing I hope you take from it, it’s this:

Faith is not a straight road. It flows and it ebbs.

May Allah SWT make it easy for us.